Toh Zinda Ho

I need to go away
On my own
Somewhere peaceful, somewhere its beautiful to be outdoors
Somewhere the sun shines
Somewhere where the breeze will caress away all my worries
In that soothing way that only a breeze knows

I need to feel me
I need to feel alive
Because I’ve not been feeling the same
Since I turned a quarter century old

Its been 3 years
I still haven’t got back my mojo
Not for work, and not for life

I thought I needed a change in job
So dusted off the resume I last wrote 5 years ago
Spent 3 weeks writing it up again
And started the wait game
Still not knowing what is it that i want to do
Still not knowing despite all these years what i have passion for
Still lacking the courage to break the mould
Still questioning my judgment

Not easy starting all over again
And I haven’t even started

I tried shopping
Didn’t help
Started praying more
Helped a bit but still feel something is lacking
Tried having varieties to the social scene
Still came back feeling bored and empty inside

The one thing that keeps me going a little bit is
Running
So I run
I walk
I jog
Every other night when I can
So that I feel at peace
I have conversations with Him
I try to organize my thoughts
Some days I cry when I jog
Some days I feel like it’s a good day
Some days I feel lonelier than ever

I know I am looking for an escape
An escape from parents who are disappointed with me but are too nice to say it
An escape from well meaning relatives who probably secretly think im selfish because im single
An escape from friends who mean well
An escape from a person whom I’ve fallen for but one who doesn’t feel the same

Saddens me that he doesn’t care with the same magnitude
Saddens me that he doesn’t think of me the way I do
Saddens me that other men show it and he doesn’t
Saddens me that other girls get more and I don’t
But I know its not his fault
He is who he is
I am who I am
We fall short of each other’s expectations
Expectation is a bad thing to have, he once said
How true, I think back now

Home life is not the same anymore
Not since what happened
Saddens me that my own parents fail to understand us
Saddens me that they fail to see why it happened that way
Saddens me they blame her
Saddens me that I cant do anything more for them
Saddens me that to make them happy again i risk being unhappy for life 

Saddens me that I cant give the answers they or my friends search when they look at me
Saddens me that I started dodging personal questions from my own best friends
Saddens me that I have started to avoid them in ways i can
Saddens me i feel ashamed in front of them when i shouldn't

My past still haunts me
In many ways that I choose to still deny
I dream about it sometimes
And I wake up looking for answers
Not knowing if i can ever let go of the hurt
Wanting to move away from it 


And now my dog of 13 years
Has been showing signs of old age
He doesn’t run the way he used to
He doesn’t wag his tail the way he used to
He doesn’t look forward for his walks anymore
I used to have a hard time keeping up with him during his walks
But now we walk side by side
That too after I slow my usual pace


Saddens me that I might be losing him
Saddens me that our lives wont be the same without him around
And I dread for the day
When the only thing that keeps my family together might be going away

So yes
I need to go away
From everything and everyone
Because I don’t recognize ME anymore
Or maybe I never got to know her

I hope
I pray
I wish
I’ll get a job that takes me far from here

But alas
Im here on a Monday morning
In my office
Being what I hate being (read: emo)
Writing what I hate writing (read: bimbo-like rantings)

But I know its not just a phase
Not when it has been around for 3 years
Or more if I really start reflecting

So yeah…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VI-q8Aszay0

-fin-

On why i never get men...

What is it with men? First they approach you then they back off when you show interest?

There's this fella who did a random thing on FB. So i decided what the heck, life's a game, i did the random thing back.

And before i know it, we started chatting and wasnt too bad. He did not appear to be desperate or pervertic or have any stalker like syndromes.

But what irks me is, i started to like chatting with him. He makes a great conservationist. Being a gemini, i thrive on good conversations and human contact. That and the fact, i thought he was one of the last species of smart men to exist in my community.

But there is only so much chats i can initiate now can i.

I don't like being cheap or being the kind of woman that approaches guy. 

Call me a coward and old fashioned. :P not my style. And yes i know the feminist in me cringes to hear that :P

So here's the thing, if the fella was interested, he would make effort. He would initiate chats first, he would ask me questions about myself instead of the other way all times. But he doesn't! Do people like having 1 way conversations?

And so i came to a conclusion that i was nothing more than a time-filler online.

And i'm not going to waste anymore of my time with online snobs or men with egos. I have been friendly enough without going to the point of being cheap. 

And there's that.

The year that was 2010...

2010

A year of many events. Some happy, some sad.
For me, the year started off with Mr.Happy (who seldom visits) but ended with Mr. & Mrs Sadder (they love dropping by ever so often).

But that is LIFE. It goes on. The year gets replaced. People get replaced.
If there is one thing that 2010 taught me, it was Expect the Unexpected!

So here’s list of few key milestones/mishaps/events that are in no particular order:

2 best friends get married! and more batchmates get hitched, have babies yada yada yada..

Found new friends!

Managed to survive a family vacay to the Island of Gods.

Revisited Delhi and loved it this time round. The weather, the shops, the people and even the trains

Went to a place which held my childhood/teenhood/adulthood fascination = Hong Kong! And loved it!

Didn’t perform as well at work as I could have but my boss thinks I deserve an Exceed even when I protested…

A close family friend/neighbor passed away after battling his sudden disease for 3 months on my birthday…it was unexpected. Not a day goes by when I don’t pass his house feeling nostalgic or sad. Makes me wonder why bad things happen to good people and low lifes get to live their lives lucky as ever and without any mishaps...

My Outlook still has 6++ emails that are not sorted..

Started dating again … weird feeling...

Had relatives from India and experienced the nightmare of being gracious hosts

Cut myself a fringe and there have been mixed response till date. Mostly good from non family members. Hate maintaining it though

Ate escargots for the first time ..

Saw my parents worst nightmare came true .. :(

Attended a ghazal/sufi-like concert in Singapore and came back awed!

Was part of another dog rescue mission (this time involving neighbor dogs)

Started looking for property like for real and realized I missed the boat..

Planted trees !!

Got proposed (no, not marriage) but didn’t say yes or no

Took part in my first marathon!

Attended a youth camp after a long gap and had fun!

Re-connected with old friends!

Re-cycled more last year, extracting glass bottles, aluminum cans and plastic bottles in separate bags :) Yup, more households should start segregating their waste.

My past caught up with me and left me reeling in shock/despair
And yes, I know im STUPID that way

Spent the new year’s eve at home watching 3 Idiots, not bothering to look at fireworks

My weight started piling up and ended the year being 60 kilos ! By the end of the year, I could not fit (without looking obscene) for about 70% of my clothes (I kid you not. Not exaggerating either!)

Bought myself my first sports shoes after 9 years (the last one being when I got in Uni) Got laughed at for my ass when I attempted to jog in the park front of my house! Motivating, i know :P