What a pain in the neck!

Exactly on 21st April, i had a sudden bruise like pain on the left side of my neck. The exact area would be somewhere between the back of my ears and neck. 

At first i didn't thought much of it and continued my usual routine.

I tried to feel it but there wasn't a bulge nor a bruise on the pain area.

By Monday, i was in terrible pain by the time i got home from work. Driving back was torturous and i was left with lopsided shoulders and lost the ability to turn my head either side.

So anyway, i have been on physiotherapy over 9 sessions and 4 weeks so far and been sporting a neck collar (loaned from my sister who had vertigo 2 years back).

My condition has been properly diagnosed as sternocleidomastoid (SCM) spasm and it inflamed due to that. 

I must say wearing the collar has resulted to a variety of interesting conversations from various walks of life.

Here are some of my favorites moments being in a collar:

1. How everyone exclaims like they are in pain when they see me in the collar and scrunching their faces

2. Random strangers strike up random conversations and start inquiring about my well-being, suggest helpful remedies/doctors/treatment procedures

3. Being able to work from home way more often *glee

4. Being able to stretch out at my desk, pump my shoulders up and down and not worrying about how retard i look like

5. Getting visitors to my desk for health+massage related chit chat

6. Being chauffeured around  *glee

7. Using neck collar as an excuse not to attend certain functions (convenient and totally valid ok!)

8. Receiving the attention of various students, physiotherapists and interns

9. Being free from house chores *joy

10. Coming up with different responses each time someone inquires why it happened. My current favorite answer these days: "oh, you know, I've been naughty :P". Sometimes that's all people wanna hear *shrug :P

11. Being spotted by Russell Peters on his show (right!)

So i say, to all those lonely + depressed people out there, the only accessory you will need is a neck collar TM and you are well on your way to joy and attention like you've never received before.

*Disclaimer: Applies to cane, eye patch, arm cast, leg cast too

The blog wouldn't be complete if i don't list out the not-so favorite part about being in this condition:

1. Very low productivity - and when i mean low, i mean, low at work, low on Facebook (and yes, i haven't gotten around to uploading the albums i need to!)

2. Not being able to hold the phone between my shoulders and ears (NEVER gonna take it for granted again) as its not easy juggling conference calls and working on the laptop when at home. Not that holding the phone between shoulders and ear is a good posture.

3. Getting asked why it occurred like a zillion times daily

4. Not being able to find the right sleeping position without incurring more pain

5. Not being able to go to the hair salon :(

There's a new meaning to pain in the neck as I've learnt it the hard way.

Crawling to my shell

Ever since i was a little girl, each time i got sad or hurt, i used to wish i could hide somewhere alone where no one could find me.
Back then, i used to run outside to the side of the house and sit by the drain. It was my hideout.

The house i used to live in then, was a huge old colonial bungalow in the army camp where my dad was posted. It had miles of lawn that separated our lot and house from the neighbor. So i had all the privacy i needed and the drains were dry and clean and their only function was to flow the rain water out. So nothing icky, mind you. Just Minnie me, sitting cross legged on a clean cemented patio and tiny drain and miles of green to feast my eyes on.

Its funny how selective one's memory can be...
For some reason, each time I'm sad, it always makes me yearn for those days. Like i said before here, i hate growing up :P

Anyway, here i am on a Monday night typing away in my room. Feeling like today, i just need my own company. Feel sad, a lil melancholic even. Reasons are not very important i think.

Just felt i needed to jot down what has been on going before my fish of a memory gets to them.

So last past weeks been really weird for me. Been dreaming a lot. Strange dreams but i could relate each of them or at least fragments of them to my thoughts. As i know those are things that have been on my mind at some point or the other.

I don't know why the dreams been appearing often.
But here are few possible reasons (or could it be a mix of all these?):

1. My bedside reading for the past month has been Chitra Divakaruni's Queen of Dreams (it is about dreams tellers & reading what the dream is trying to tell you)

2. I've resigned from my current organization about 3 weeks ago and soon to join a new place. Kept thinking if i was doing the right decision or vice versa. That and the tug-of-war between the 2 to choose my last date. (an added stress)

3. Doses of ibuprofen during the early weeks (3 weeks ago) due to my Sternocleidomastoid spasm that has left me on the neck collar for 3 weeks and resulted to 9 sessions of physio (and counting). Maybe taking those drugs the first 4 days of my pain resulted in dreams? *shrug*

4. Under went seem to never end couple's spat 2 weeks ago. Didn't like the feeling and the tears and the drama.

5. Been feeling the baby blues ever since i've been seeing wayyyyyyy lot of babies around me. Screw the feminism and all that bra-burning fury, i wanna have my own too :P

Anyway, this is a start of a new week and things are a lot better than the past 3 weeks have been.

For starters, i got my last date sorted out, my buy out process almost sorted out, my bank stuff being processed for my property loan, my bf and i are all sweet and dandy again (and he is being really sweet these days), my neck is improving, my physio sessions cut down to once a week, I'm feeling more positive about the new move.

Job hopping sucks!!

Finding a job is not easy...
Finding the perfect job is near impossible !!

After doing a half hearted job search starting late 2010 and thru out last year, i can say that i no longer feel my worth. And i have started being less picky starting this year..

And what did i land? ONE interview after countless applications and rejection letters. ~sigh
lilo did warn me that job market is tough out there and she was right...

I always thought in IT line, moving jobs would be easier because of the high turnovers. Apparently... Not  :P
Starting last month, i have actually started to apply and look for roles rather than just wait for head hunters to call me (and they do weekly).

Each time i apply to a company or get calls from head hunters, i always feel that tinge of excitement.
But each time, i am disappointed :(
Yesterday was no different... I applied to a company for a role and based on the requirement written, i met all of 'em.
Lo and behold, today i received a reply stating a generic:
________________________________
Thank you for your interest in the position of -------- Technical Expert. We have thoroughly reviewed your resume. While your qualifications are impressive, we regret that we are unable to extend an offer to you as the competition has been very keen.
________________________________

....And this is not even me changing role to a different product or scope!! *disbelief*

Can anyone tell me what 'competition has been very keen' means? WTF

Double bummer :(

Oh and here's a nice read: http://thecynicalgirl.com/job-hopping/

p/s: still cant believe i got rejected before an interview for something that i do for a living and i have been with the same employer for 5 years and counting!!

Signed,
theSourPuss

Toh Zinda Ho

I need to go away
On my own
Somewhere peaceful, somewhere its beautiful to be outdoors
Somewhere the sun shines
Somewhere where the breeze will caress away all my worries
In that soothing way that only a breeze knows

I need to feel me
I need to feel alive
Because I’ve not been feeling the same
Since I turned a quarter century old

Its been 3 years
I still haven’t got back my mojo
Not for work, and not for life

I thought I needed a change in job
So dusted off the resume I last wrote 5 years ago
Spent 3 weeks writing it up again
And started the wait game
Still not knowing what is it that i want to do
Still not knowing despite all these years what i have passion for
Still lacking the courage to break the mould
Still questioning my judgment

Not easy starting all over again
And I haven’t even started

I tried shopping
Didn’t help
Started praying more
Helped a bit but still feel something is lacking
Tried having varieties to the social scene
Still came back feeling bored and empty inside

The one thing that keeps me going a little bit is
Running
So I run
I walk
I jog
Every other night when I can
So that I feel at peace
I have conversations with Him
I try to organize my thoughts
Some days I cry when I jog
Some days I feel like it’s a good day
Some days I feel lonelier than ever

I know I am looking for an escape
An escape from parents who are disappointed with me but are too nice to say it
An escape from well meaning relatives who probably secretly think im selfish because im single
An escape from friends who mean well
An escape from a person whom I’ve fallen for but one who doesn’t feel the same

Saddens me that he doesn’t care with the same magnitude
Saddens me that he doesn’t think of me the way I do
Saddens me that other men show it and he doesn’t
Saddens me that other girls get more and I don’t
But I know its not his fault
He is who he is
I am who I am
We fall short of each other’s expectations
Expectation is a bad thing to have, he once said
How true, I think back now

Home life is not the same anymore
Not since what happened
Saddens me that my own parents fail to understand us
Saddens me that they fail to see why it happened that way
Saddens me they blame her
Saddens me that I cant do anything more for them
Saddens me that to make them happy again i risk being unhappy for life 

Saddens me that I cant give the answers they or my friends search when they look at me
Saddens me that I started dodging personal questions from my own best friends
Saddens me that I have started to avoid them in ways i can
Saddens me i feel ashamed in front of them when i shouldn't

My past still haunts me
In many ways that I choose to still deny
I dream about it sometimes
And I wake up looking for answers
Not knowing if i can ever let go of the hurt
Wanting to move away from it 


And now my dog of 13 years
Has been showing signs of old age
He doesn’t run the way he used to
He doesn’t wag his tail the way he used to
He doesn’t look forward for his walks anymore
I used to have a hard time keeping up with him during his walks
But now we walk side by side
That too after I slow my usual pace


Saddens me that I might be losing him
Saddens me that our lives wont be the same without him around
And I dread for the day
When the only thing that keeps my family together might be going away

So yes
I need to go away
From everything and everyone
Because I don’t recognize ME anymore
Or maybe I never got to know her

I hope
I pray
I wish
I’ll get a job that takes me far from here

But alas
Im here on a Monday morning
In my office
Being what I hate being (read: emo)
Writing what I hate writing (read: bimbo-like rantings)

But I know its not just a phase
Not when it has been around for 3 years
Or more if I really start reflecting

So yeah…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VI-q8Aszay0

-fin-

On why i never get men...

What is it with men? First they approach you then they back off when you show interest?

There's this fella who did a random thing on FB. So i decided what the heck, life's a game, i did the random thing back.

And before i know it, we started chatting and wasnt too bad. He did not appear to be desperate or pervertic or have any stalker like syndromes.

But what irks me is, i started to like chatting with him. He makes a great conservationist. Being a gemini, i thrive on good conversations and human contact. That and the fact, i thought he was one of the last species of smart men to exist in my community.

But there is only so much chats i can initiate now can i.

I don't like being cheap or being the kind of woman that approaches guy. 

Call me a coward and old fashioned. :P not my style. And yes i know the feminist in me cringes to hear that :P

So here's the thing, if the fella was interested, he would make effort. He would initiate chats first, he would ask me questions about myself instead of the other way all times. But he doesn't! Do people like having 1 way conversations?

And so i came to a conclusion that i was nothing more than a time-filler online.

And i'm not going to waste anymore of my time with online snobs or men with egos. I have been friendly enough without going to the point of being cheap. 

And there's that.

The year that was 2010...

2010

A year of many events. Some happy, some sad.
For me, the year started off with Mr.Happy (who seldom visits) but ended with Mr. & Mrs Sadder (they love dropping by ever so often).

But that is LIFE. It goes on. The year gets replaced. People get replaced.
If there is one thing that 2010 taught me, it was Expect the Unexpected!

So here’s list of few key milestones/mishaps/events that are in no particular order:

2 best friends get married! and more batchmates get hitched, have babies yada yada yada..

Found new friends!

Managed to survive a family vacay to the Island of Gods.

Revisited Delhi and loved it this time round. The weather, the shops, the people and even the trains

Went to a place which held my childhood/teenhood/adulthood fascination = Hong Kong! And loved it!

Didn’t perform as well at work as I could have but my boss thinks I deserve an Exceed even when I protested…

A close family friend/neighbor passed away after battling his sudden disease for 3 months on my birthday…it was unexpected. Not a day goes by when I don’t pass his house feeling nostalgic or sad. Makes me wonder why bad things happen to good people and low lifes get to live their lives lucky as ever and without any mishaps...

My Outlook still has 6++ emails that are not sorted..

Started dating again … weird feeling...

Had relatives from India and experienced the nightmare of being gracious hosts

Cut myself a fringe and there have been mixed response till date. Mostly good from non family members. Hate maintaining it though

Ate escargots for the first time ..

Saw my parents worst nightmare came true .. :(

Attended a ghazal/sufi-like concert in Singapore and came back awed!

Was part of another dog rescue mission (this time involving neighbor dogs)

Started looking for property like for real and realized I missed the boat..

Planted trees !!

Got proposed (no, not marriage) but didn’t say yes or no

Took part in my first marathon!

Attended a youth camp after a long gap and had fun!

Re-connected with old friends!

Re-cycled more last year, extracting glass bottles, aluminum cans and plastic bottles in separate bags :) Yup, more households should start segregating their waste.

My past caught up with me and left me reeling in shock/despair
And yes, I know im STUPID that way

Spent the new year’s eve at home watching 3 Idiots, not bothering to look at fireworks

My weight started piling up and ended the year being 60 kilos ! By the end of the year, I could not fit (without looking obscene) for about 70% of my clothes (I kid you not. Not exaggerating either!)

Bought myself my first sports shoes after 9 years (the last one being when I got in Uni) Got laughed at for my ass when I attempted to jog in the park front of my house! Motivating, i know :P

On why i am seriously thinking of quitting my job

10 things I hate about work

1. I hate the long commute (distance is roughly 50kms one way)
2. I hate the traffic (Im always late to work!)
3. I hate some of the people in my organization
4. I hate the fact im not good in the technology I support
5. I hate the fact there is so much to do, and impossible deadlines
6. I hate fearing that one of my team members will leave earlier than me
7. I hate not having the drive (mojo) to come to work everyday
8. I hate the freaking un-ergonomical chair that is causing me carpal tunnel syndrome and neck/shoulder pain!
9. I hate the lack of direction the management has over the service I support
10. I hate the variety of tasks i need to undertake and still be expected to complete them in shortest time!